About loneliness

Hi.

Today started as I had a nightmare where my best friend died (eaten by a dinosaur, but that's beside the point).
After that in my dream I felt a vivid array of sorrowful emotions, like emptiness and aimlessness. Some of the emotions were no doubt caused by (imaginary) death of someone close to you. Like the silencingly heavy burden somewhere between your throat and heart, and the numbness of it all. No one near to me has never died so I can only assume.
But some thoughts and emotions were all too familiar. Like the one where I ask myself: what can I do without the ones that mean to me the most?
I think the idea of being lost without friends is quite a universal one.

My view of the world, existence and humanity is based on a few keystones. Keystones like
"every human is inherently good",
"we should search and strive for truth and harmony"
"only one can truly save oneself",
"a mind should be filled with clarity and not blurred"
"true potential of one's humaneness is only found when with others".
Thus my inner world is not one concrete idea, but rather a web of multiple ones that somehow try to live in harmony with each other. I bet that's like it with most of us.
Some of the ideas are in conflict by nature: At the same time I truly think that we should be independent and autonomous, but also I realize that we can never be, that our need for others is as fundamental as our need to be free of others.

That dinosaur feeding friend of mine and I once had conversation that touched on similar themes. We thought about where we would like to be in future. She painted a life where she is a master of arts, her future filled with empty canvases, buckets brimming with paint and the will to fill the world with beauty and art.
I could not imagine at the time what I would do. I imagined for who I'd be doing it. I didn't know who she was, but she made me happy and gave me a reason to march forward through life's hardships.
My friend wondered this. "Is it not better to find happiness within oneself?", she asked. "If other people can make you happy, they can also make you unhappy. And your happiness should not dependent be on quirks of other people". She made a valid point.
I remember how I back then wished to go traveling around the globe. To find my place in this weird world, but more like a mental place. A home. A place in someone's arms, surrounded by caring eyes of friends.

Some time after that I found Buddhist ideas. I haven't been a good Buddhist recently, mind you, failing to find time to meditate, but I still value their thoughts highly. That all misery and pain in one's life is caused by craving.
And what's a greater craving than the craving to be loved as you are?
What causes more miserableness than the though that you are worthless? Like the Donald Duck comic where he wishes he never existed, as everyone would be better off that way.
What's a greater hole in one's soul than the one that can only be filled by love and care of other person?
What's greater strength than the one found in a group where you feel you belong?

Perhaps a man should be an island, an island of fortitude.
As Simon and Garfunkel have sung it:
"and rock feels no pain; and island never cries".
That I have tried to achieve since the age of ten. In the age of fifteen I realized how much I needed and wanted other people. Thus the conflict, the battle began. Where one part of me just wanted to be beyond the glass wall I once built between me and others.

For the last year so I thought I started to be above that. I felt no lonesomeness. Perhaps I had found a place of my own, one could hope.
But lately, I've felt alone.

Perhaps it's a battle never to be won. Perhaps we should just stand upright against the sea of emotional weight and gusts of hurt. When the world rages around you like a storm, and the night seems too dark too see past, we could just stand laconically in the midst of it.
Like an island.


J.


Another song from Bob.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fg-CIka1L4A

About love and fear

"Somehow all you ever need, is never really quite enough"

- Bruce Springsteen

I recently tried to write a blog entry about desire, one that's still halfway finished. 

Drive to write of the subject came from Buddhist principle about dangers of craving. I somewhat try to follow Buddhist way of life, but the thing about not-wanting, is really hard to pull off. 

I want stuff. Not really material sort of stuff. More like, to be best I can be. And to be good. And everyone wants to be loved. Everyone. 

Some Buddhist sects doubt all-powerful love, and say it could and should be replaced with compassion and understanding instead. Or to be more precise, they have a different kind of love. Love that's about wanting others to be happy. I think it's indeed closer to compassion than love as we think it.
You see, "our love" is always a bit selfish and attaching. And that's really bad, those Buddhists think. If you think about yourself and feelings you have, you fail to realize what's best for all, and do that, especially if the right choice causes you sorrow. 

There's a grain of truth in there, but I can't fully agree, mostly because I can't do it. I need love. Love can be healing. 

Also when in love, you desire. We crave true love, one that responds to our emotions. Everyone wants to be loved, and when you are in love yourself, you want it more than anything. 

So, we've discussed about love. Right about here, we come to the second part of the subject in hand: "fear".
Even if you are loved now, you want to be loved in the future as well... Right? 

Some artists sing that deep, deep within every relationship is a fear of it ending. Isn't there an ending behind every beginning? 

We all have been afraid of it, perhaps just during some sleepless nights. 

Who hasn't asked "do you love me"? Who hasn't said "I love you" just to hear "I love you too"? 

After all, all relationships do end, some sooner than later. And it hurts. Who doesn't want to avoid pain? 

With love eventually comes desire to keep it, for it to be yours. With love eventually comes fear. And it's not just romantic love. What mother isn't afraid for her child?
We enjoy the feeling and the moment so much, that we are afraid of change. I myself am unwilling to take risks when there's important emotions at stake. We hold hands, so that the other doesn't slip away (of course, the touch is nice too). But change always comes, whether slow or fast, good or bad. That's why Buddhist say not to cling into moments, not to crave them. "To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune". 

Some people are afraid of sacrificing too much in the altar of love, to commit. Some people could be afraid of love not being enough. Sometimes it isn't, like Bruce above says. Sometimes times are too hard.
But that's another story. 

You just have to learn to live with the fear, I guess, love yourself even if others do not. One of my favorite quotes of all time is from John Wayne: 

"Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway". 

Quite often love is worth the dread. 

I've tried to write a more thoughtful text for a few times, and now I've done it, and not for the last time. 

Yes! 

Other news, our 3-man group's silent film is getting along. We'll most likely start shooting this week, after we're done with the final script.
School's still very enjoyable. We practiced with cameras and lights today and continue on Thursday. Some classes of this period are still yet to come, like "basics of sound" and "dramaturgy of space and color". Latter sounds awesome.
Every Monday students of our school can go to nearby gym for free! I was there today for a second time, and my muscles ache. Which is only good, as my exercising was a bit lacking during the summer time. I long for a bit of krav maga here, but no, alas! Thankfully I have my training-book, if I only managed to work out accordingly...
I received an offer from a friend to cook for a camp later this year. I've cooked in a camp before and I liked it very much, but what's troubling me, is my hardly average cooking here. Sure, I can eat it, and my foods are cheap and healthy-ish, but they're not that tasty. Then again, I haven't looked at recipes that much. I probably should. 

J. 

Gotta love the intro! Song's beautiful too, and for once, it fits the theme! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Efg1h0EzLeE